why didn't I

Why didn't I 

Ask when you were there

Why didn't i 

think of it

To spend more time 

To connect

To grab you while you were there 

Why didn't I 

Hug you tighter 

Flirt deeper

Pull harder

Why didn't I 

Let you know that your the one I want

The one on my level 

Why didn't I 

Taste you touch you while you there 

Why didn't I 

Bring you closer to those deep spaces

Why didn't I 

Ensure that I would see your face again

Feel you again

Why didn't I 

Seize the moment

Why didn't I 

Hold my breath and face my fear

Why didn't I 

Seize the moment

Hold your beauty

Why didn't I 

Will I 

Is it

Possible 

To see you again

Why didn't I

Just let you in

Why didn't I 

Because if I had

I wouldn't sit here in regret

Wondering 

Why didn't I 

On our path

On our path 

We are always protected

On our path

Our feet are always guided 

On our path 

There may be ups and downs 

But 

On our path

The cycle will always end 

On our path 

We may encounter the darkest of nights

But

On our path

The light will always follow 

While we are

On our path

We are the creators 

On our path

In stillness do not wallow 

The Sun

The heat of it

The burning away

Purification 

Choices 

The same or different 

Different or the same

Breathing releasing 

Releasing the past

Breathing in the future

Changes 

The Phoenix 

Death

Rising again

Renewed brand new

Safe inside inner spaces

Shining out 

Shine

Illuminating all the spaces

Accepting and embracing 

All that is 

All that has been created 

All that has been destroyed 

Breathe in the new exhale the old

Transformation 

Broken

You eventually came around to me

I became your eventuality 

After the pain

After the brokenness that couldn't be fixed

After decisions have been made that will scar all those who tried to get close to me

Then is when you started to see me

When it was to late

When early on you choose your fate

Breathing darkness into me

Trying to weaken me

To break me

Until I was on the floor 

Underneath the earth before my birth

Until I was suffocating from the pain

Trying to scrub away your stain

When all I could do is pray 

Going through self doubt 

Wondering how I could ever possibly heal from such brokenness

How will I ever even find the pieces 

When they're so shattered how can I even begin to put them together

Or find them 

How can I even find those pieces of myself

Everything ceases and falls into itself 

Ah the pain the pain 

Living in hell made by someone else 

Created from darkness 

Trying to extinguish the light 

He tried to extinguish my light 

Take all that I am made of destroy all that I'm made of

So I can feel dead like him empty 

Empty simply empty 

My Cat Bella

On my travels I've had many ups and downs, times of the deepest sadness and times of pure joy. The one being I've missed the most is my cat Bella. When living in Florida when I was going through bad times, she would always be there to comfort me and I miss that so much.

You see me and Bella have been together for many lifetimes, she's been my cat companion for a very long time and I always think of her and I love her deeply, we are connected through love.

My recent travel was very difficult, I was deeply saddened by the circumstances and so I decided to visit a park nearby my hotel. Soon I realized that this park is literally full of cats! You can imagine my excitement! As I was walking along petting as many cats that would allow me to I came upon her, a cat that looked exactly like my Bella.

You see Bella is a Norwegian forest cat, with long black fur with some brown undertones. A very rare and antique breed. This cat looked exactly, exactly like her! So I bent down and said "hi Bella can I pet you? Bella can I pet you?" She immediately started purring and came over to me and rubbing her body against me. Then she put her front paws on my lap, I took this as a signal that I was allowed to pick her up, so I did and we walked over to a nearby bench. She stayed with me the entire time I was there, just laying with me, she even let me kiss her nose the way I used to kiss Bella, just giving me her love.

I am so grateful for her love! I needed it so badly! I know Bella was channelled there, I know it was her! She knew that I needed her!

I just wanted to share the deep connection we have with our animal friends, and they are there when we need them no matter where we are. And also how grateful I am for this connection and the deep connection with the universe.

Again and again

I've been to heaven
I've taken long journeys in hell
Sat in darkness with my eyes closed
Until they came to wake me up
I've built myself up and torn myself down again
I walked through hell again
I've cried I've died
Dismissing the thought of breathing again
But I woke up again
They came to pick me up
To show me the light again
To guide me again
Then for a moment I could see it
Perfect clarity graced me
Tempting me to hope again
But it is still winter
Spring is forgotten in the ice crystals
And I am walking in hell again
Some warm breeze tickles my mind
And I can see the green again
The green I can find
The change in my mind
The season of change is in range
The cold still bites at my soul
But the warmth
The promise kisses the hope of change
Kissing me again and again

Patience

My waters are usually flat, serene, unmovable
They keep dumping their pollution
They create tsunamis, tempest, whirlpools
Instability
Then my own sadness
The touch of pleasure
The touch of freedom
The box is getting smaller
Or I'm getting bigger
Expanding
Craving transcendence
My heart is suffocating
It is exploding or imploding
It is a chaotic space
A space of creation
A space of destruction
It is a hell trying to transform into heaven
It is the burning and the dissolution
You can see its wings
The gold the red
The ashes the smoke
The pain the pleasure
The tears the stabs
The center bleeds
It bleeds then expands
It bleeds and heals
It searches, searches, searches
Found
It waits, waits, waits